Osprey announces the arrival of... The Osprey Publishing 5-a-side Football team

January 28, 2010 12:00 AM

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At lunchtime this Friday, a moment of history will be made, as the Osprey Publishing 5-a-side football team stride out onto the pitch (or to be more accurate, into the hall) for the first time, making their bow in the inaugural Botley Challenge Cup.

Thats right - after spending most of the last few months honing our skills by sitting in front of computers, eating copious amounts of turkey, drinking too much and generally spending far too much time sitting down, our bodies are finely honed and ready for the challenge.

And tactically, of course, we are going to be a step above the rest! With our knowledge of tactics from history we have already developed a couple of game plans that are sure to flabbergast our opponents. To start off with, we are going to implement our own version of the Schlieffen plan - charging towards our opponents goal at top speed, heaping intense pressure on their defences, before overwhelming them and charging off to the other side of the pitch where we will protect our goal. Hopefully we won't get bogged down around the halfway line for years (or at least until the end of our lunch hour).

Our backup plan revolves around the (incredibly likely) scenario that the team we are up against are swifter of foot than us. To counter their rapid, darting cavalry moves we have been drilling out in the snow for days, practicing the rapid formation of squares, which will inevitably stand firm against even the most enthusiastic of charges.

So, tactics sorted - what about the personnel? Which Osprey superstars are we going to draft in to our team.

The choices are obvious!

Financial legend James takes command from the outset - the General Haig of the team, directing the action from his defensive role. Our captain and accountancy maestro, he is determined that our small team start making profits in the first year - an elongated cup run is essential - although he would prefer it if we walk very slowly, in a straight line towards the final. It may not have worked in the past, but it is sure to work this time!

Also hailing from the Finance team comes our primary attacking threat, the rapid, nimble Ally. Our own "Hun from the Sun" Ally's role is to cut in off the wing and devastate the opposition defence with his superior pace, weaponry and technology (he is off to buy a pair of trainers in time for kick-off). Known by his moniker the Leicester Fox much is expected from him.

Cutting in from the left to support Ally is the new signing, David. Previously on loan to the Marketing department, David signed a permanent deal early in the January transfer window, and has already made a mark on the Shire blog. If his ballskills match his slick writing and marketing skills he will prove an impressive teammate. He has already launched a 'hearts and minds' campaign aimed at convincing our opponents to changes sides - a few own goals here and there could come in helpful!

Holding the middle ground is the sole representative from the Sales team. The rogue state of the team, Rufus is an unknown quantity. UN scouts have been turned away from all of his top secret training sessions, mysterious lights have been spotted over the desert near his house.

Marshalling our defences is goalie Tom. An Osprey editor he is used to mopping up all of our mistakes and cleaning up after we come bustling in. Unlikely to let any errors slip through into his net we are hoping that he will prove that the best attack is a good defence. Umm...

And finally, filling the Left Right Out role is the foreign import - who is still struggling to come to terms with the pace and style of the game. Me. As a born and bred rugby player I will inevitably forget what sport I am playing and launch a crunching tackle at an opposing striker. I have been informed that my role will be to remove the major opposition threat before they have a chance to overwhelm us. In other words I am Osprey's nuclear first strike policy. Which is pretty cool. Because I wouldn't really mind a nice long cruise across to Cuba followed by a few weeks lying around in the Cuban sun...before reluctantly being sent home!

Whatever happens, we are looking forward to it - particularly as our annual snowball fight a few weeks ago really didn't live up to the expectations we had after last years event!

(I apologize to any of our readers across the pond - I am afraid I am talking about a sport that you know as soccer...although I know Phil and Joe are desperate to get us playing a bit of gridiron [actually, I'm a baseball guy - ed.] - although I would imagine playing without armour, helmets and on a wooden floor is probably not the best of ideas!)

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Osprey announces the arrival of... The Osprey Publishing 5-a-side Football team